Marriage Preparation

5 Secrets About Marriage Your Mother Will (Probably) Never Tell You

If you’re like most women who are about to get married, you dream of having a perfect wedding followed by a perfect marriage that will last a lifetime. I know that was my dream almost 38 years ago when my boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me.

So why do about 50% of marriages end in divorce? Is there too much focus on the wedding and not enough on preparation for the marriage? Are there key things every bride should know that no one is talking about? Is it just a sign of our times – the “I have a right to be happy” syndrome?

Maybe we as parents aren’t preparing our children properly for marriage. I know my mother told me absolutely nothing about marriage and didn’t even have a good book to recommend to me. I felt lost in a vacuum of silence. I knew there would inevitably be issues that would come up that I would be totally unprepared for. I was right. Fortunately for us, relatively early on in our marriage we went to a marriage encounter weekend that gave us tools for communication that then enabled us to begin to truly understand each other.

How much better it would have been if we had had adequate premarital counseling or at least some minimal tools to equip us for the challenges of marriage.

To help those of you who might be interested, I have written a short e-mail series called, “5 Secrets About Marriage Your Mother Will Never Tell You.” I’d love to send it to you, completely free of charge and with no obligations. And I’d also love to have your feedback to make it even better. Please use the sign up box on this blog and the e-mails will come to you spaced out over the next 10 days. Hope you enjoy them and that you have lots of feedback for me.

Authored by Sharon Reece

The Marriage Kit

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What comes to mind when you think of marriage preparation?

Planning the wedding?

Getting ready to find a place to live?

Choosing the date and style of wedding?

While all of these may be important to the actual marriage event, there is something far more important that needs to be done before marriage. Premarital counseling can be the one thing that can make your dream marriage become reality. There is a saying that goes something like this: “It’s not what you don’t know that can cause you problems, but rather what you don’t know you don’t know.” If there is something you don’t know, you can usually find out the answer. But if you don’t know you don’t know, that can be a serious problem because it’s impossible for you to find the answer.

marriage preparation is kind of like that…what you don’t know that you don’t know can cause you serious difficulties. And good pre marital counseling can provide you with direction and answers to questions you never knew you had. In addition it can enable you to go through that transition period from being single to being part of a new entity – a married couple.

The Marriage Kit

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Sailing the Sixth of the Seven “C’s” of Christian Marriage

The sixth of the seven “C’s” of marriage is covenant. In order to understand covenant we must understand the difference between that and a contract. A contract is normally a legally binding document that is generally written in such a way as to provide for all the possible loopholes to get out of it – legally.

On the other hand, a covenant is very different. It is a unilateral commitment that is binding independent of what the other party does or does not do.

How different these two concepts are! And how far away we have gotten from the covenant model of marriage. Even though most marriage vows include the words, “Until death do us part,” the average bride and/or groom has in the back of their mind, the thought, “Until you do something for which I feel justified in leaving you.”

In a Christian marriage, the concept of covenant is fundamental. It is based on the Biblical concept of agape love…unconditional love modeled after the love God has for us. God’s love for each of us does not depend upon our love for Him. It never has and never will. And that is the model upon which covenant marriage is based. It is a love that mere humans are incapable of apart from the grace and enabling of the God who is “love.”

Our culture has taken us so far away from that model that most couples even if they are Christian, only give lip service to the idea of covenant. And when the going gets tough, as it inevitably will, all that our culture has taught us about having the right to be happy, etc, prevails over the fundamental principles of covenant. A covenant is a type of vow and it is something that God takes very, very seriously. Ecclesiastes 5:5 says, “It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.”

So as we go into marriage, if we are serious about covenant, we must be willing to weather all the storms that will come against us as a couple and we must be willing to stand together to defend each other and the covenant we make “until death do us part.” And let’s really mean it.

The Marriage Kit

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Sailing the Fifth of the 7 C’s of Christian Marriage

Comedy is the fifth of the 7 “C’s” of marriage. But is should especially characterize a Christian marriage. Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 & 23. So let there be joy, laughter and lightness of heart. When something unexpected or undesirable happens and you are tempted to weep and wail, look for the funny side and laugh instead. Proverbs 15:13 says, “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”

I had to learn how to laugh and how to make merry and I learned it primarily from my husband. My childhood was marked by disappointments and difficulties. I was altogether way too serious about myself, about life, about everything. But fortunately for me, I married a man who loved to joke, who laughs easily and who manages to see the bright and light side of almost any situation. He is also a story teller and can spin a yarn or sing a song that will turn anyone’s frown to a smile.

I remember one occasion that was frightening to me at the time it happened but was hilariously funny later. In fact, I was so dismayed by the situation that I made my husband promise never to tell anyone. Then after some time had passed, I began to tell people what had happened and thought it extremely funny!

Laughter truly is good medicine. It lightens any load and gets your physical body cooperating with you instead of working against you. So make sure you have plenty of it in your marriage. And never take yourself too seriously!

Click on premarital resources for more great advice and help for your marriage.

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Sailing the Fourth of the Seven C’s of Marriage

Courtesy is the 4th of the seven “C’s” of marriage. It is often something we extend to everyone except those closest and dearest to us. It almost seems like an old fashioned concept in this day and age, but it is important for a good marriage relationship.

It implies being kind and thoughtful, having good manners, being a gentleman or a lady. J B Phillips translated 1 Cor. 13: 5 “Love has good manners.” And in the New King James version it says, “Love does not behave rudely.” Sometimes it’s easier to see what something is by looking at what it is not. When you live with another person it is easy to fall into the habit of being rude rather than taking just an extra minute or two to be kind.

Let’s just think a moment about some ways to express courtesy to each other. One way is to wait patiently for the other person, offer to help with some specific task, do the dishes unexpectedly (if you’re the husband and don’t normally do them.) We can probably all think of ways to extend kindness and courtesy to each other. I’d love to get your ideas. Feel free to post a comment and tell us what you have done to extend kindness to your boyfriend, spouse or fiancee.

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Sailing the Third of the Seven “C’s” of Marriage – Part I

Communication is the third C in marriage. Whole books have been written about this topic so I won’t try to be totally comprehensive in one blog post. But if you are preparing for marriage, it’s important to analyze and perhaps improve your communication skills.

My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend about 5 years into our marriage. Although our marriage was a good one, we came out of the weekend with tools for communication that made it even better. And perhaps more importantly, we learned some communication skills that enabled us to weather some pretty intense storms that came our way over the years.

The most important skill we learned was to listen to each other without judging. We learned how to express how a particular event, subject, reaction or situation made us feel and we asked our partner to discover when he or she had felt the same way. So the communication went something like this, “This is how I felt when you did/or said… Have you ever felt that way?” The response was, “This is how you felt when I did/or said… Yes, I felt that way when…”

Following up on that was something like, “I’m sorry you felt that way. Will you forgive me?”

This led to some pretty intense communication that deepened our understanding of each other and solidified our commitment to each other like nothing else could have. And, yes, it took time. But it was so worth it!

And it was all done in a very non-judgmental, non-accusatory way that simply led to a habit of communicating in a way that was helpful rather than hurtful.

In this fast paced age of computers, internet, TV, demands of work on our time and focus, communication is something that is likely to be placed on a back burner. You’ll need to make time for it. It is that essential!

One more thing I’d like to say about communication is that men and women do not speak the same language. In fact, it’s so essential to understand this, that I think I’ll write a “Part II” to this “C” of marriage.

What has been helpful to you and your spouse that has enabled you to be better communicators? Please comment and share your insights.

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Sailing the Second of the Seven “C’s” of Christian Marriage

The second of the seven C’s of Christian marriage is compromise.

Does that surprise you? Maybe you think you are always right. That’s a dangerous position to take if you expect to have a marriage that is satisfying and has a minimum of conflict. When two people live together there must always be compromise. The process of give and take will sometimes require that you go 80% of the way and your partner goes 20%. On another issue it may be 50/50. The bottom line is that even though you may have always done something a certain way, it can always be done differently. That doesn’t mean you are wrong or that your partner is wrong. It simply means that you learned it differently or developed a different opinion. The more alike you were in your family backgrounds, education, religious upbringing, the easier these compromises
will be. Instead of having to go from 100 back to 20 or 30 on the scale, you will hover closer to the 50/50 point on alot of issues – probably on the ones that are most important to you. And it will be much easier to ompromise on the others.

Occasionally you will encounter a situation that triggers such a strong negative reaction in you that you will be surprised and shocked. When this happens, it is probably due to something in your past that evoked a strong emotional response from you. When your partner does or says something that reminds you of that situation in your past, that strong emotional response will take over. Honestly, I’m telling you – he/she didn’t do it on purpose. In our own relationship we have found that those kinds of responses are important and will be oorways to healing and strengthening of your relationship if you know how to take advantage of them. I don’t really have time to go into all the details about that at this time, but I would like to say that there are many resources available to enable you to deal with things like this.

Sometimes compromise will require that you decide not to have the last word. It may mean simply biting your tongue, closing your mouth and nodding your head. The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom we need for successful relationships today. Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” So keeping our mouths shut at times, may be the highest form of compromise – and wisdom.

Compromise may also mean that you agree to disagree. This is ok as long as its not a core value that you disagree upon. One very devisive issue that often requires compromise in a marriage is the issue of finances. If you are a spendthrift and your partner is an impulse buyer, you may be in for some head on conflict unless you learn to compromise in this area. One way to head off potential conflict is to establish even before marriage, a threshold of spending. In other words, you must agree upon any expenditure over a certain amount.

For a Christian, compromise is the ultimate way expressing love through serving and honoring each other. It requires being committed more to “us” than to “me.” It can make your marriage better than good!

To find out how to improve your chances of having a great marriage, check out our premarital counseling home study course and other premarital resources. Don’t go into your marriage unprepared.

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Sailing the First of the Seven “C’s” of Christian Marriage

Before you get married, have you really stopped to think about issues that may affect your ability as a couple to have a long lasting, enjoyable and satisfying relationship? There are many factors that will determine how marriage is for you and none of them has very much to do with the “chemistry” that attracted you to each other. In fact, they will all require work.

The first of the Seven C’s of Christian Marriage is Commitment. Without commitment, you have nothing.

When Columbus set out to sail west to reach the East, it was a commitment. It meant no turning back no matter what dangers, storms and trials lay ahead. If you think of marriage this way, you will face the struggles, differences, challenges and surprises of marriage and find a way together to go on. These things will make you stronger as an individual and stronger as a couple.

One key to accomplishing this is first of all, mindset. I’m in this for life! Until death do us part! Without that, you will give up. This is what we mean by commitment.

You need that commitment to your spouse and in the same way you need that commitment to the Lord. As each of you draws closer to Him, you will inevitably draw closer to each other. And developing both of those relationships takes time – and commitment. If it’s worth it, you will take the time and make it happen.

I Corinthians 7 has much to say about commitment. Read it!

Click on this link for more information on Christian Premarital Counseling.

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Marriage Preparation 1950 Film Part Two

Funny 1950 film on marriage preparation