Marriage Preparation

Courtesy is the 4th of the seven “C’s” of marriage. It is often something we extend to everyone except those closest and dearest to us. It almost seems like an old fashioned concept in this day and age, but it is important for a good marriage relationship.

It implies being kind and thoughtful, having good manners, being a gentleman or a lady. J B Phillips translated 1 Cor. 13: 5 “Love has good manners.” And in the New King James version it says, “Love does not behave rudely.” Sometimes it’s easier to see what something is by looking at what it is not. When you live with another person it is easy to fall into the habit of being rude rather than taking just an extra minute or two to be kind.

Let’s just think a moment about some ways to express courtesy to each other. One way is to wait patiently for the other person, offer to help with some specific task, do the dishes unexpectedly (if you’re the husband and don’t normally do them.) We can probably all think of ways to extend kindness and courtesy to each other. I’d love to get your ideas. Feel free to post a comment and tell us what you have done to extend kindness to your boyfriend, spouse or fiancee.

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Communication is the third C in marriage. Whole books have been written about this topic so I won’t try to be totally comprehensive in one blog post. But if you are preparing for marriage, it’s  important to analyze and perhaps improve your communication skills.

My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend about 5 years into our marriage. Although our marriage was a good one, we came out of the weekend with tools for communication that made it even better. And perhaps more importantly, we learned some communication skills that enabled us to weather some pretty intense storms that came our way over the years.

The most important skill we learned was to listen to each other without judging. We learned how to express how a particular event, subject, reaction or situation made us feel and we asked our partner to discover when he or she had felt the same way. So the communication went something like this, “This is how I felt when you did/or said… Have you ever felt that way?” The response was, “This is how you felt when I did/or said… Yes, I felt that way when…”

Following up on that was something like, “I’m sorry you felt that way. Will you forgive me?”

This led to some pretty intense communication that deepened our understanding of each other and solidified our commitment to each other like nothing else could have. And, yes, it took time. But it was so worth it!

And it was all done in a very non-judgmental, non-accusatory way that simply led to a habit of communicating in a way that was helpful rather than hurtful.

In this fast paced age of computers, internet, TV, demands of work on our time and focus, communication is something that is likely to be placed on a back burner. You’ll need to make time for it. It is that essential!

One more thing I’d like to say about communication is that men and women do not speak the same language. In fact, it’s so essential to understand this, that I think I’ll write a “Part II” to this “C” of marriage.

What has been helpful to you and your spouse that has enabled you to be better communicators? Please comment and share your insights.